THE FEAR OF THE FISCAL CLIFF

Right after the election twelve years ago, the talk was all about these guys named "CHAD," and how they were hanging around all over South Florida. That made me mad because at the time I was living in South Florida and slacker dudes named CHAD that needed to be counted like inventory were a real pain in the ass for we Floridians. In fact, as I remember, it was a giant problem for everyone, everywhere, and gave Florida an unfortunate bad rap. It was really irritating to me back then, and I felt a genuine pity for anyone named CHAD and wished they'd all just get the hell out of Florida. Period. Move away forever.

In 2000 I was working at a bank, and was interviewing a number of recent college grads to be my underpaid assistant. One interviewee really stood out. He was an Ivy Leaguer, had all the credentials. He had advanced degrees, and appeared on face value to be by far the best candidate out of more than 20 applicants. But unfortunately his name was CHAD, and sadly, I knew the great interview CHAD had just gone through was nothing more than an Academy Award winning performance. There was no doubt in my mind that when the day came that he thought his job was safe, he'd backslide and just start hanging around like all those other CHADs - probably at the Starbucks on the first floor. I told him as much. I said that although he was the best person I'd interviewed, I wasn’t going to hire him, and that I was doing him a favor. I said that with an performance like the one he'd just given me, LA was no doubt his calling.

"Hollywood seems like a great place for you to go," I said, thinking that he, and all the rest of those CHADs lingering in Florida could go, hitchhike if need be, straight there. “Without passing ‘Go’,” I added.
There, they could blend in with all the other California goof-offs, usually named "DUDE," or "LANCE," who were also malingerers, sleeping until noon on a sofa in a sucker friend’s place they usually called their “crash pad,” and then later rollerblading along Venice Beach when everyone else was is an office working, or stuck in traffic. At least however, we didn't fear CHAD. He was simply irritating and that’s about it.

Now, however it’s this fiscal CLIFF, who I’m convinced believe is no laggard of a person, because he's generated huge cash flow, and has done so for 50 years or more. I know that because “Devil Woman,” and “We Don’t Talk Anymore” were big hits in the seventies, and enjoyed by throngs, the same listeners that also swayed and grooved to ABBA on the same AM station. That’s the kind of dough that can really add up. But I guess some of the royalties must also be going over the “pond” to Washington because they use the word “fiscal” a lot when they talk about CLIFF.

            I Googled “fiscal” and by definition it means to be, “of or relating to government revenue,” which if he’s anywhere close to ABBA's numbers, and I think he’s up there in the rankings, favorite of the Royals too, that’s enough money to get pretty excited about. Yet instead of getting excited about the money, like in a fun way, and privately work out whatever they have to work out, deal makers are scaring the shit out everyone, and talk bad about him incessantly. CLIFF’s name has been negatively drummed into my head so much over the past year, and accelerated in the intensity since the election, that it causes knots in my stomach when I hear his name. “CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF.” And always prefaced with "FEAR", the "FEAR of the CLIFF."

The word "FEAR" makes people feel extremely uneasy. Obviously those talking about the "FEAR of the CLIFF" didn't know that Roosevelt said along time ago that Americans had "nothing to FEAR but FEAR itself." And things were really crappy back then. Just in the last hour alone, as I write these thoughts, I've heard CHAD's name mentioned negatively on CNBC at least a hundred times. Maria Bartiromo said, “We will not stop talking about the CLIFF,” until they get a deal for him in Washington.

Are you kidding me? Listen up guys in Washington. Give CLIFF whatever kind of deal it takes to stop the public haranguing and all fear mongering surrounding him. Sure he's a little old now, and long past duos with Olivia Newton John (some might have even thought they heard “Fear of the ‘Physical’ CLIFF” rather than “Fiscal CLIFF”), but I'm positive you'd love to hear him at the Kennedy Center. 

So for CLIFF’s sake, take the fear factor away from his name, before Thanksgiving. You see, we all want to have a happy turkey day, and a Merry Christmas too. Besides, I sure love they way CLIFF sings “The Christmas Song” with that pop beat.

Unfortunately, if they don't come up with a deal, I'd suggest to CLIFF that he never step foot in the United States of America ever again. And anyone else named CLIFF should probably catch the first flight they can to Europe as well (Spain, Italy or Greece would be good), where they wallow in the FEAR the FISCAL CLIFF. More advice as well for the people in Washington that screwed up the deal for CLIFF, if that should happen. You are best advised to probably move on too, as no doubt there would be an overwhelming fear of your very dysfunctional existence. Those are my thoughts. Americans don’t like to have things around that we fear. We don't care for that emotion one iota. Just think about zombies for a second. People really fear zombies, and you see what happens to them on TV. It’s not very pretty.